I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
