The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
