The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
