I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
