Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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