Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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