I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
