did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
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Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize