I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
