WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
