watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
