in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
