haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
