so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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