im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
