every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
