dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
And then he peed in my hair
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
