I have demons in me.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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