i was born a porn star she said
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
