it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish you could order shots online.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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