So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
