I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
