I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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