My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
