is your mom at the bar?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
jump out the window naked night went bad
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
