i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
