So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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