I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
