I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
