I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
