maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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