I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
