I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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