are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
