perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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