How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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