you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
