My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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