I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
