Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
