Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
