I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
