I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
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