proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
