wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
