Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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