where am i from again
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
