Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
