Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
