She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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