anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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