I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
