I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
