they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
