i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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