member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
