I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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