I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
