I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
