I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
