I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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