did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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