Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
